emillie finds peace and forgives

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"whatever words we utter should be chosen with care,
for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or evil.” Buddha
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time and place is not always the right time and place.so forgivness comes easy.

fab day!

well i have not blogged in some time
my life got very complicated and draining.

all is behind me now. i am back at it.

heres a pic i took in fall of last year on hwy 3 on the way to the wine fest.......love the colours of this season!

deal

websters: deal (verb) >
3 a: to engage in bargaining : trade b: to sell or distribute something as a business

isnt it funny how some people make deals and they seem to not want to come through on?
understand that things may get in the way.. but if ya cant make good on the deal how do you make things right...?

is this too much to ask ..maybe so in a ever increasingly fly by night kinda world...

human nature- it aint so human and sometimes natural is relative.

fellow blogger

worth a visit...she is insightful and a great way to discover new music...
http://www.stephaniekiernan.blogspot.com/

better in time

unfortunately could not import the official video...these boys do a good job though.
link on the right.

lost my sniffer

back in feb of this year i had a killer sinus and bronchial infection...coming out of it i lost my sense of smell. not just a little but all of it!

then in august, having caught another nasty sinus infection i went to the doctor and complained, once again, of having lost a vital thing..my sniffer.

went for xrays, thought for sure it would be a brain tumor! nope. in fact the doctor was stumped and set about the process of referral to an ear-nose-throat specialist.
today i have confirmation for my appointment- DEC 4 2008!

i have a wee bit of it back- i can smell perfumes. i couldn't smell turkey or pie baking last weekend, or fresh coffee at my house or even a good hit of sewage that wafts through queensboro island at times...

and alas, i am likley not to smell pumpkin seeds baking in the oven come all hallows eve. but if lucky i may be able to by christmas.

my morning drive

river road, quiet and serene..often no more than 3-4 cars on it at the same time...
i cruise along and take in the sights. trees, the working river, the fields of crandberries or other such things become the pallet for my visual feast

today the sun was just coming up; brilliant , and shone into the darkness of the clouds above the city...thats what the photo is about. now a few hours later the sun is crisp and the sky blue...

i use this morrning drive time to to regroup my thoughts, arranage the day in my head and just plain chill...

today the musical score was jann arden " waiting here in canada" and i thought of my friend in holland- cj...does she miss living here?

emillie remembers

emillie walks on today finding every puddle to place her foot in that she can...she is aware of the discomfort that will occur but welcomes it just the same...the wetness that seeps up her shoes and her shins reminds her that contact creates memory..she knows the stains will be permanent


she fights hard ..so very hard to let go what has been.. and it tires her.
she replays, and replays the moments, the still frames and the loop tapes. she finds pain and finds joy and finds regret but finds no peace...

the words, the worlds,the events.. they swirl and suck her into the vortex of a raging river of feelings and she drowns in emotional dysfunction....she yearns to find only the happy thoughts, the moments of extreme pleasure and just plain contentment...
if the images arrive it is in snippets akin to a well developed photograph that has gone missing in a family album .. with the only reality of their existance displayed in small tiny ripped bits trapped in the paper corners holders glued to the weathered fragile pages

she longs for a moment of truth, a moment of exposure where caged personal demons yell and release all that is hurting... a circle of angry souls that scream and shout and claw feveroiously out of your body...

she places her hands to her face and starts to scratch, tearing at skin...she needs to bleed all that has been so very fucking wrong...she stops only when the tub water is ruby in colour


and the scars; they form on the inside.

turkey day and thoughts in Qualicum Beach

well, blessed are those who have love in their world!

spent the weekend hanging with the family...three generations, lots of food, drink and lots of laughter

we all went for breakfast at the ever famous shady rest eatery thats sits perched above the oceans edge. it is a non descript place as far as the food and experience, but the real treat is walking the length of beach that stretches out before it .

low tide gave us many grand sightings of lion-mane jelly fish held fast to the dry rocks and gravel. strange creatures, translucent and curious;they beg you to touch them. nancy, aka gramma, is a local writer and photographer who had just published an article on the jelly fish. she explained the presence of so many of them today. it seems the have a very short life cycle that begins in april and ends in october. the bright red hues are such a contrast to the grey gravel and rocks of the sea shore.

walking the beach alone with your thoughts allows some pretty deep thinking. i thought of how this year is coming to an end and how forward looking i have become. and most important of all people who have touched my world, both positive and with challenges, this past year. i am fully balanced, at peace and open to a new year. 2009 is my year says my sage...how grand is that thought?

so, with a turkey and pie hangover firmly planted on my hips i arrive home having been energised. the family celebrations are such a grand time of togetherness, story telling and memory making.

its back

last year, mid year or so , i started to experience changes in my sleep patterns. more so, interruptions in my sleep patterns. i would wake each night and roll over to look at the clock and sure enough, it would be 5 min before or 5 min after 330 AM.

the interruption is sometimes accompanied by sweats and remembrance of strange dreams...and if you share my space i will likely heat you out as my body temperature soars..

my friend, am, told me it was hormonal having expereinced it herself..... and then it went away.

they are back , fierce as ever...no matter what i do in the night, what i drink or dont drink, what i eat or dont eat, whether i exercise or dont, or have a bath or dont, or if there is stress in my world or joy....i find myself awake at 330 AM.

last night was brutal as i had to be up for 5AM...my eyes are burning today...and i am day dreaming of my four pillows, down comforter and clean crisp 600 thread count sheets. nap time is so needed.....


and i must never ever pick up my bby at this time, people do not understand or appreciate the interruptions in their sleep ...lol!

gawd when will it end?

Emotional Intelligence 101

sometimes blindness has nothing to do with our eyes

the power of words

sent to me by j@de. thanks for this.


After a While

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

Veronica A. Shoffstall

what beauty surrounds us

man, what a beautiful day! i love the colours of fall, when the sun shines that is.
i hope it stays nice this weekend...heading to Qualicum Beach for dinner with the family. Turkey and all the fixin's.


eat til ya can't!

rilo: a man/me/ then jim

I had one friend in high school recently he hung himself with string
His note said
"If livin' is the problem, well that's just baffling."
And at the wake I waited around to see my ex first love
And I barely recognized her, but I knew exactly what she was thinking of
We sat quietly in the corner whispering close about loss
And I remembered why I loved her, and I asked her why I drove her off

She said
The slow fade of love
Its soft edge might cut you
And our poor friend, Jim
Well he just lived within
The slow fade of love

A woman calls my house once a week; she's always selling things
Some charity, a phone plan, a subscription to a magazine
And as I turned her down, I always do, there was something trembling in her voice
I said
Hey, what troubles you?
She said
I'm surprised you noticed
Well, my husband, he's leaving, and I can't convince him to stay
And he'll take our daughter with him, she wants to go with him anyway
I'm sorry I'm hard to live with, living is the problem for me
I'm selling people things they don't want when I don't know what you need

He said the slow fade of love
And its mist might choke you
It's my gradual descent
Into a life I never meant
It's the slow fade of love

I was driving south of Melrose; I happened upon my old lover's old house
I found myself staring at the closed up door like the day she threw me out
"Dianna, Dianna, Dianna I would die for you
I'm in love with you completely, I'm afraid that's all I can do"
She said
"You can sleep upon my doorstep, you can promise me indifference, Jim
But my mind is made up, and I'll never let you in again"

For the slow fade of love
It might hit you from below
It's your gradual descent
Into a life you never meant
It's the slow fade of love

rilo kiley - portions for horses

my fav sound right now....

fitting...for those who appear best in the rear view mirror...

best heard really loud...

fallen bobbles

i live about a block away from a city park. the area is eclectic with a mix of people. mostly white,hardly asian , the few loud mental health ghosts and a presence of Sudanese folks that add a ton of colour to the hood- and not only by skin but by garb.
the dwellings are assorted from beautifully maintained heritage homes to rental vintage apartment blocks, the ever growing new home construction to the usual collection of ugly vancouver specials.

the park is larger with mixed use. soccer fields, lacrosse courts,baseball, waterpark and the ever popular place to find crisp white suited seniors; the lawn bolwing club.most of us stare beyond the fence as entrance had not yet been gained due to the few too years on this earth.

this morning after i grabbed the java fix i strolled the hood. there is a path that runs diagonal across the park and it is lined with giant chestnut trees.this morning i choose the path. as you walk the ground is littered with chestnuts freed from their gnarly husks. the contrast of colour is amazing. the smooth deep brown lines of the nuts sit awkwardly upon the green and yellowed pieces of the husks. add in a touch of red fallen leaves and tapestry is breath taking.

i picked up the nuts today;had to. the clean smooth lines and brilliant veins of mixed light make you want to touch them. i remember as a kid...we used to take them, drill hoes in them and attach a bit of string. then we would use them to hit pop cans off fences or to ping each other in the head. i was thinking, when did this practice stop? i dont remember. although i surmise it was likely a change of season, literally and as we moved into young adults.

i tried my best to capture what i saw in the pic above. the nuts are cool in my hand. the tactile gratification of this is worth it. do it. pick one up.

first aid kit

hyjacked this from a fellow blogger... check out her site:
http://stephaniekiernan.blogspot.com/





"where are these people on american idol?

They aren't on American Idol because they've got actual talent and they have actual passion. And they've got their own eye-lashes. Yeah, they're never gonna make it on American Idol. Not even Canadian Idol. I hate television shows like that. Thank God for YouTube."
thanks steph...love it!

reactions

i have a great gal-pal who lives in holland...and we have been FB communicating ..she is wise...here is just a snippet of the words she shares

"and in stress situations, we usually revert back to the person we would rather not be. That's a hard thing to control. I would like to act differently in heated situations. I havn't mastered it yet..problem is that you don't get to practice it enough. It's not every day that situations get heated. I suppose you could take the things back if you wanted. "

i have been chewing on the words and thoughts...she is right, we just don't get much practice and if you are like me...i never have heat or stress in my world...i can count on one hand the times where i have had conflict in my life...but...this past year i have seen a string of events that were indeed stressful...

the new north wall

this is mostly finished..there was more work done that finished the window shelf and some detail around grout...hoping that am finds a moment to send through a pic of the last days work- it truly is a beautiful piece of work by both of us. we were a super team...all hands on deck no matter the job, we never had to argue or command...we fell into place like a true team. enjoyed the expereince so much! and for am, well her confidence soared! no longer just a pretty face...lol!

it is a thing of beauty and functioality, from sink to counter top to shiny dishwasher...a workspace fit for the family and the chef!

so, i am now available for do-it-yourself-coaching...tell your friends.

north wall before

wow where we came from.rotten wood and sink area, moldy wood cabinets, short counter top depth so no dishwasher could be installed, sink mount taps, no sprayer, and tile counter top perfect for hiding dirt and germs.